By: Jenny Fifeld
Some friends of our family lost their home in a fire a while back, the children were playing with a lighter in their bedroom and accidentally set a mattress ablaze. They didn’t know how to put it out, in trying so they made it worse and were too frightened to tell their father who was in another room, so they froze and hoped it would go out on its own. Well, the fire grew until it was completely out of control and they finally mustered the courage to go tell their dad. Everyone got out safely but by the time the fire department arrived, it was too late to save their things.
We could blame the father for not paying more attention to his children, we could blame whoever bought the lighter for leaving it where the children could find it, or we could even go a step further and wonder had the children more fire experience, were they better acquainted with the dangers, would their curiosities have tugged so tenaciously? Maybe. Maybe not.
Perhaps the greatest danger in the story wasn’t the children playing with fire, but the status of a relationship in which the kids felt they couldn’t tell their parent they had made a mistake.
The house is just stuff. The relationship, to me, is far more valuable.
Risk play is more than simply presenting semi-dangerous situations to my kids so that they learn independent skills and gain confidence, it’s also about fostering the parent-child relationship and teaching through mistakes. We want them to learn that when they come to us with a problem we will love them through it. If the child knows the parent is a safe place to run when they make a mistake, what a rich and beautiful relationship that would be! With the hope that one day when they make the big mistakes, they’re in the habit of coming to us then as well.
When we introduce risky play, we’re setting them up for either mini-failures or big successes. When they win, it’s easy to see the benefits. When they get hurt, get lost, get wet or fail, they learn! That’s the point. We’re teaching them how to fail well. With grace and dignity. Without losing heart. And because we the parents are presenting the scenarios, we can gauge the amount of risk we’re willing to let them take. We’re right there beside them to provide them encouragement, proper attitude and deepen fortitude.
So my husband and I continue to give our kids space to make the little mistakes. The inexpensive ones, the fixable ones. We try not to express anger and frustration when they spill drinks, drop dishes or damage furniture (we don’t always succeed of course, but we try!). We actually use real ceramic mugs and teacups purchased at a thrift store, even with a three-year-old, during teatime for this very reason. We view the two skills of both keeping your cup upright AND dealing with the mistake of dropping it as equally important. It’s in the mistake where we have the opportunity to do the holy work of parenting, proving to them once again that we are FOR them and they can grow from each broken teacup.
As the famous Erin Hansen poem goes,
“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask “What if I fall?”
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
The goal is not to have perfect children who makes no mistakes. The goal is to raise resilient children who bounce from mistake to mistake, coming back stronger, smarter and tougher with each experience because they feel loved at home.
Jenny Fifield
Jenny Fifield is a homeschooling mom of 3 who spends her days making big creative messes and chasing wonder with her kids. She loves nature journaling, slow hikes, writing & utilizing her Theater degree reading aloud great books with her kids.